The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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