i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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