Pappa wants mamma naked
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
