I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
