Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
