I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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