i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
