i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
