New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
