I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
