I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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