see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
