You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
