Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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