Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
