drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
