I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
