Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
