The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize