Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
