She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
