You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
