If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
