Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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