Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize