Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
