i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
