Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
