Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize