I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
