I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
