honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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