Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
