If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
