this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
