OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
