oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
