Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
