Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
