Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
