I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize