i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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