I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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