she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
