Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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