BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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