That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
