I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was born a porn star she said
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
