Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
