He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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