i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
