Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize