there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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