After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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