I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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