he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
