At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
