Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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