I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
