Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
