omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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