I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
